There’s no problem too large that sugar can’t solve

When I first started out as a facilitator as a vocation, my main focus was to keep the energy of the room high. In the belief that that is the only way participants would contribute. Back then, as a community organizer and later as a policy advisor for participatory processes within the context of Dutch governmental bodies, resistance was the thing in the room that needs to be managed, massaged away to make room for something else. So I learned tricks and methods to deal with that resistance by distracting people. Like the line in the song ‘A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down’.

https://youtu.be/SVDgTbGZEw4?t=6

People knew me as cheerful and upbeat. Designing energizing and refreshing sessions was my forte. As a facilitator, I was skilled at planning and timeboxing. My sessions hardly ever went overtime and I had a good sense of which methods would work best with which sections and groups. I used a variety of methods, including the Disney Method, Superhero exercise, and energizers. Looking back, I realize that as a facilitator, I was stuck in phase one of the conflict circle - the phase of enjoying life and relaxing. Not aware and not want any troubles in life. By using all kinds of surprising and 'innovative' methods, I was essentially feeding participants sugar to sugarcoat the bitter truth. My facilitation style was like an animator assembling a party platter made up of upbeat exercises to give participants a 'sugar high', only to experience a 'sugar crash' after the session - like how one feels sick after consuming too much candy. After attending a meeting in which I was a participant, I would often experience migraines to the point that I had to suppress the urge to throw up while commuting back home. I thought that the only way to lead effective meetings was to add sugar sugar sugar by having lots of exercises and techniques to keep the spirit high. Without that, I was in a state of low dream. Depressed and (sugar) crushed.

’Sweet dreams are made of this’

There are things other than candy that taste sweet. Unaware as I was, there have been other sweet elements in my life along the way, without me realising so to be able to ‘taste’ it fully. Those sweet elements are like the dream body - the part of me that is trying to grow and develop. As I was not aware of the different channels the signals could come through, I could not unfold the information and instead set these experiences, sensations, and fantasies aside as they do not align with the collective norms or consensus reality I was in.

In the earlier days, long before I started out as a facilitator, I would use metaphors to relate to what is being said. This tendency was considered unusual in my work environment. In one of the internal training I did on project management, when the six-month journey was closed with an appreciation round. Two of the participants wrote the following to me:

What I want to say to you Sara is that your analogies are not always logical at that moment but somehow they are right in the end.

Sara, I appreciate the way how you sometimes emphasize a topic in a totally different manner. You have a broad view of the world, you are spontaneous and a pleasure to work with.

Two notes from fellow participants of an internal training I followed on project management. This was around 2002.

These words of encouragement led me to believe that what I had to offer was so unique that nobody seemed to understand what I was trying to communicate. I believed I had to stay odd to get noticed and be effective. Throughout my career, I was conditioned to believe that only content and knowledge counted. That’s how I justified hiding my feelings. For the longest time, I felt there was something wrong with me, that I read too much into things, or that I was too sensitive.

My primary substyle, the most predictable way of working with others on the consensus reality level, was one of an awkward, clownish performer. Red-eyed from nervousness and feeling inadequate and not good enough. A big head with thin arms and legs, I was wobbly rather than grounded.

Meet ‘Effelien’: the character of my primary substyle

During an online inner work exercise led by Amy Mindell on discovering one's unique facilitator style, I had a fantastic experience. My primary substyle was represented by 'Effelien', a stuffed toy (pictured above👆🏾), who can be uplifting and surprising at the first sight. ‘Effelien’ sometimes acts silly and loud too, jumping up and down. As she thought that is just the way she needs to be in order to get noticed. My secondary substyle manifested as a stretchy baby wrap, in which Effelien could stop performing and relax, sinking deeper into just being. The stretchy baby wrap represents the side that is non-judgemental and sees the uniqueness in everyone, letting people feel that they are held and good enough just the way they are. When we were invited to revisit the experience of the thing we were repeatedly drawn to in our lives, I travelled on the speed of my memory to the little small talks I had with kids, my love for streetfood and travels, coming up with new suggestions no-one had think of yet and having the space and time to explore on my own. From these memories, the character ‘Joe Black’ came up. In this movie, death itself is shown in a human body with a boyish charm and unfazed by the odd manners of the upper class. Joe loves food as it gives him an instant sensation of being alive.

[From: https://youtu.be/KjIkLo7Mg8I?feature=shared](https://youtu.be/KjIkLo7Mg8I?feature=shared)

From: https://youtu.be/KjIkLo7Mg8I?feature=shared

What I remember vividly about that movie was the scene where Joe Black went to the hospital and got recognized as ‘bad spirit’. The woman was frightened at first but later got comforted by Joe in her native language. When Joe put his hands on the woman, the woman seemed to get a glimpse of the ‘next place’ and smiled with bliss.